In the aftermath of my daughter’s birth, I was put under general anesthesia three times. It’s a very unsettling experience, to blink your eyes and hours have passed during which things were done to your body. I certainly trust the doctors and nurses involved in my surgeries, and don’t for a second think that anything … Continue reading
So what did you do this past weekend? I got my husband fixed. People say it’s barbaric, but he just would not stop marking the furniture and OMG the middle-of-the-night caterwauling. Something had to be done, and it was either get him snipped or take him back to the pound. The birth of The Girl … Continue reading
I should maybe get over myself. Yes, I’m pregnant. In fact, I’m eleven days away from my due date, so I don’t feel it would be inaccurate to pronounce that word as “puh-REGNANT”. Yes, every day that crawls by without me going into labor is another day that I should be treasuring as the calm before the … Continue reading
Most creatures, when threatened or frightened, have one of two instinctual responses: Fight or Flight. I don’t know if it’s the sea of hormones in which I’ve been marinating for the past 36 weeks, but my instincts have provided a third (and apparently preferred) response option: Burst Into Tears. I am not a cryer. I … Continue reading
To Whom, Every time you see me, do not ask me how I’m feeling. I am in my 8th month of pregnancy. My locomotion is restricted to the waddling of a bloated and arthritic duck. I have trouble getting out of chairs on my own. I am most frequently sighted going to or from the … Continue reading
friend: I have been craving menudo me: menudo is my kryptonite unless I’ve been drinking friend: i agree…it’s drinking soup only….which is odd cause i haven’t had a drink in…. a while me: meeeeee neither. though I’m getting some wine for tonight friend: for you? what?! me: bitch please. I can have a glass or … Continue reading
Being a tale of tooth-shattering horror. Continue reading
My son is an excellent ambassador for his kind. As a baby, he was calm and easy-going, only cried when his needs weren’t being met and stopped crying the instant they were. I can recall exactly one night spent pacing the halls with a baby in my arms to soothe away inexplicable piercing shrieks. We’ve … Continue reading
Whoever came up with that euphemism for pregnancy was, I have concluded, being ironic. I understand now why wealthier women ages past went into confinement for the duration of their pregnancy. Retire to a country estate for several months, emerge refreshed and with baby in tow. Usually with multiple nannies. Anyway, they left town. And … Continue reading
I’ve got an idea. It could revolutionize alternative energy source technology as we know it. The equation is so simple, it’s like poetry. (One pregnant woman + fajita dinner + soda with said dinner) – Tums X bedtime = enough methane emissions to power a small town Seriously, get a round dozen of these women … Continue reading
