“Delicate Condition”


January 20, 2009 by skwishface

Whoever came up with that euphemism for pregnancy was, I have concluded, being ironic.

I understand now why wealthier women ages past went into confinement for the duration of their pregnancy. Retire to a country estate for several months, emerge refreshed and with baby in tow. Usually with multiple nannies.

Anyway, they left town. And you know why?

Because pregnant women are anything but delicate. We are gross. We are waddling masses of a body gone mad. It’s all for perfectly sensible biological reasons, but that doesn’t make it any more socially acceptable.

To ensure the baby is getting the most possible nutrition out of every bite of food consumed, the digestive system slows waaaaaaaaay down. Which means that food has more time to get digested and absorbed. And to ferment. Which gives off gases. Fragrant, extreme, plentiful gases. There are two orifices through which these gases can escape, and neither of them make polite noises. When I was pregnant with The Boy, I had farts that made my DOG leave the room. This time around, with The Girl, I’ve managed to get half the alphabet in one fell burp.

Conversely, many pregnant women experience frequent nausea for at least the first trimester, thanks to the exponential increase in their hormone levels. I did not (don’t hate), but I’ve heard horror stories. Often, this nausea is sudden and uncontrollable, leading to some very undignified and untimely eruptions. Usually in the middle of a business meeting, far from a toilet or other acceptable receptacle.

Due to the increased consumption of, and digestion of, food and fluids, the kidneys kick into high gear as well. There’s more waste to be filtered, and they are on the job. Which means the bladder is being filled more frequently. Combine this with the need of pregnant women to consume roughly twice as much water per day as is recommended for a healthy adult human, and you might as well just set up your office in the bathroom. Add to this the fact that, as time goes by, the baby gets bigger and demands more space in the abdomen, thus squeezing your overworked bladder into a smaller and smaller space, and you can spend months living in fear of laughing, sneezing, coughing, or having an orgasm. Why? Because you stand a good chance of peeing on yourself.

To ensure the baby is getting all the oxygen it needs, the body increases production of red blood cells. By quite a bit. Pregnant women literally have more blood running through their veins. Not only does this lead to the truly lovely appearance of all major blood vessels shining through the skin like a road map, but also to some pretty spectacular nasal events. I’m talking nosebleeds. Bloody boogers that HAVE to come out, one way or another. Classy.

Mucus membranes in general get more productive. This means more goo. Presumably to protect the delicate surfaces that are now only a thin covering to all that increased blood. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Right. Until you consider where you have mucus membranes on the outside, rather than nicely hidden inside places (such as the stomach). I redirect you to the aforementioned nasal events. There have been times that I’ve blown my nose, and the contents of the tissue just would not stop, trailing back into my skull like a horrific magic trick where instead of an endless string of brightly color hankies, it’s snot. Also, there’s downstairs. Your girl parts are all about the membranes, and the production of fluids therein. Only now, there’s more of it and it’s … changed. Scent-wise. Partners of preggos will notice a change in flavor. Pregnant women cannot afford to skip a day of bathing, because there is nothing pleasant about second-day preggo bits. Nothing at all.

In conclusion: pregnant women fart, burp, vomit, have poor bladder control, bleed and run goo out the nose, and have high-maintenance hoo-ha’s. Also, many experience a dramatically increased sex drive.

Oh yes. “Delicate” indeed.


2 thoughts on ““Delicate Condition”

  1. Alexis Lane says:

    Well, I’m not preggers, but this entry just about made me pee on myself anyway. You are a very talented writer.

  2. Chris Lauzon says:

    Somehow…..this blog has made me gayer.

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