Open Letter from a Grumpy Woman

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February 11, 2009 by skwishface

To Whom,

Every time you see me, do not ask me how I’m feeling. I am in my 8th month of pregnancy. My locomotion is restricted to the waddling of a bloated and arthritic duck. I have trouble getting out of chairs on my own. I am most frequently sighted going to or from the bathroom and/or with a half-devoured snack. If you have had kids, then you damn well know how I’m feeling. If you have not, then I give you permission to admit that you don’t actually want to hear a true answer. You are trying to be courteous by asking, but all you really want to hear is how great and wonderful and strong I’m feeling. Well I’m not. And I resent being put in the position of having to return your courtesy by providing the answer you seek. So. Stop asking.

Non-pregnant women who have even the slimmest of acquaintance with me think that it is somehow sweet and flattering to, when they see me shuffling along in a haze of discomfort, take on a melting expression of overwhelmed cuteness and say “Awwwww!”. The only thing that prevents me from destroying them when they do this is a lack of breath and sufficient physical momentum. But this will not stop me for long. If you witness this occurring, please stick around afterwards so that you can tell the police that I warned the well-meaning idiot. If you are such a woman, stop it. You have been warned.

Pregnancy is a memory vortex. I will not remember the majority of what has occured during these 40 weeks. But I will remember, with unerring clarity, precisely who has said the following phrases to me:

  • “You look really pregnant today!”
  • “Your belly is getting SO BIG!”
  • “How much weight have you gained?”
  • “Shouldn’t you be eating more vegetables, or something?”
  • “Wow … when are you due, like tomorrow?”
  • “Were you in the bathroom that WHOLE TIME?”
  • “Ugh, I never want to have kids. I like my boobs the way they are.”

When I am Supreme Queen of the Galaxy, you people will be the first in line for the mandatory lobotomies. Not that I think it would make much of a difference in your behavior, honestly.

That is all.

END TRANSMISSION

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