August 20, 2009 by skwishface
There are things that horrify me. On a very basic, monkey-brain level. Even confronted with the idea of these things, from the very safe distance of 24-inches away from my monitor, which is projecting images thousands of miles and sometimes years away from the actual thing, a part of my brain will jump up and start yammering. It’s speaking gibberish, but the meaning is clear: run. run far. run fast. do it now.
The fun part is, I never know what these horrifying things will be until they come up. It’s not like there’s a list in my mind of Things That Frighten My Caveman Instincts. Which I think is really kind of unacceptable. If I’m going to have wrenching fight-or-FLIIIIIIGHT gut reactions to stuff, I should know in advance what it is. You know, for the avoiding. There’s obvious stuff, like fire and and lightning and rampaging predatory animals, but some things that I never ever would have considered turn out to be deeply, instinctively disturbing.
So now I perform a public service. Here’s a list of unexpected things that I’ve learned make my skin try to crawl right off my body and hide. Perhaps they do the same for you. I bring you this list so that you can confront these horrors now, and not be blindsided by them like I was.
Things That Fuh-REAK Me Out
Giant Japanese Jellyfish
If I ever encountered one in real life, I would never stop screaming. Which would kill me long before the damned thing could float its bloated poisonous body over to me, because screaming while scuba diving is (I’m told) BAD.
Not like animals walking around on their hind legs. Disney and Pixar have taught me that this is cute and charming. But when something is moving and behaving in a way that really just conveys the WRONGness …. Ugh. Shakey-face falls into this category, but I couldn’t bring myself to search the interwebs for a video of it. The fact that both of these clips involve kids and stairs is a coincidence. I think.
Extreme Eye Injuries
Maybe it’s because my eyesight is so bad, and I’ve been going to optometrists since I was in 3rd grade. Maybe it’s that whole windows-of-the-soul thing. Whatever it is, I get chills just reading about it.
Giant bugs. Inch-thick earthworms. Inexplicable tiny furniture. Things that are barely tolerable when they’re tiny are the stuff of nightmares when they’re huge. Things that should be adult-human-sized wig me out when they’re itty bitty.
Swarms. Of Anything.
Why is it that critters who move in enormous, terrifying clouds are always creepy? Why can’t we have swarms of kittens? Just imagine getting caught out in a swarm. Millions of wretched little feet crawling all over you and THERE IS NO ESCAPE. *shudder*
Okay, just doing the online research to get links for these things has wigged me out. I need to go stand outside in the sunshine for a bit. The things I do for you.