March 2, 2010 by skwishface
It’s March. Did you know?
March is a odd month for me, emotionally. There are three excellent reasons to celebrate – anniversary with The Husband, The Boy’s birthday, The Girl’s birthday. March is the month for amazing people to enter my life. They’ve all swooped in and made my life, our lives, exponentially more interesting, more textured and complex and fascinating.
It’s like how your palate changes as you mature – when you’re a kid, nothing tastes better than cheap processed milk chocolate Easter candy. The kind in the peeling foil wrapper with the sugar coma creme inside. But as an adult, maybe you prefer dark chocolate truffles sprinkled with sea salt.
My palate for life has matured, I guess.
But just as each person has brought joy and bliss and sparkles into my life, they’ve also brought frustrations. The world is balance, and you can’t have the kind of happiness that a family gives you without working for it. It’s when you learn to love working for it, when it’s hard to endure the midnight scream-fests of a newborn or bridge the eternal language barrier between men and women, but you do because it’s worth it … I’m thinking that’s when you’ve given in and immersed yourself in what it takes to make life work.
So I commit. I dive head-first into sharing my life with these funny, infuriating, adorable people who I love like crazy. Because I paid the toll. At the moment that each of them burst into my world, I handed over a piece of my heart. They will do with it what they please. I hope they’ll keep it and nurture it, but there is always the chance that they’ll break it. Or that some cruel and senseless twist of fate will take them away from me, and my heart-piece with them.
And I don’t know if I can survive that. I’ve survived alot to get where I am. Nothing terrifies me more than the potential risk of having my world shattered by losing any one of these people. And nothing makes me happier than having taken that risk. Three times, now.
I’m rambling. And I’m being maudlin. While sober. So maybe emo. Which I think is maudlin but with eyeliner. I’m not really sure what to call it. Maybe ze Germans have a succinct word to sum up such complex emotions. They’re good at that sort of thing.
Basically, the way that this video makes me feel is my default emotional state until April gets here: