My Hormones Made Me Do It


March 4, 2010 by skwishface

This past weekend was a bad one for my hormones. I was a full-on Crampy McBitchypants.

I’d really like to have a sit-down conversation with my uterus. I would explain things. Like how I really appreciate your years of service, in particular the excellent job you did housing and caring for my two babies, yea those many months. But now. Well. Let’s just say your department is being downsized. You will never be used for your intended purpose again. Preventative measures have been taken.

We are extending you the courtesy of not having you evicted. Please return that courtesy by KNOCKING IT OFF, ALREADY. With the monthly business. You are no longer required to maintain combat readiness. So. Ya know. Stop it.

Anyway, this past weekend there was an over-abundance of snack foods in the house. Crackers and pretzels and animal cookies and the like. These things just happen sometimes. I found myself staring moodily at my pantry full of snacks and I realized that it would all taste alot better if it was covered in chocolate.

How cliche am I now? Sigh. Whatevs, it totally worked. I spent lord knows how long coating stuff in chocolate and peanut butter, and WOW did I feel better.

I recommend that you do the same. Here’s how:

Hormone Therapy
2 bags semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 bag peanut butter chips
whatever random crackers, pretzels, cookies, etc you have in the house
attitude problem

Not pictured: final ingredient. Because it was BEHIND the camera.

Okay, so. We need to melt those chips down into something smooth and dippable. Which is a word.

You could get one of those fancy double-boiler things. Or you could not spend anywhere from $40 to $400, and just pop a heat-safe bowl on top of a pot full of hot water. Or just use the microwave. Your call.

If you do use the stove, keep in mind that the point is to warm the goods up over indirect heat. So just make sure the bottom of your bowl is not touching the bottom of your pot. If you go the microwave route, you’ll just have to pop the stuff back in for a few seconds every now and then to keep it liquidy. The stove method will keep it warm for you continuously. Oh my, the options! The decisions!

While everything is melting, which takes a few minutes, prep your snack foods. I did this by opening little baggies. Very complicated. Oh, and also this:

Peanut butter on the crackers! So I can pretend some of this is nutritious.

 NOTE: Please forgive the horrible lighting and weird colors it produces. This hormone-fueled snack attack hit me in the middle of the damn night. Flourescent lighting is better than nothing. Marginally. But it does tend to turn perfectly lovely treats into bizarrely neon things.

By then, the chips were all smooth and melty. And the dipping began!

 Pretzels into melted peanut butter chips!

I swear that's not nacho cheese.

 Then peanut butter cracker sammiches into the chocolate!

First one side...

... then the other! Then into your mouth. Only not. Melted chocolate is HOT.

And what shall be done with these things now that they’re covered in hot, gooey, drippy goodness? Well, whatever you like. But I recommend a sheet of wax paper over a cooling rack.

Then drizzle them with more goodness. Because WHY NOT?

For the animal crackers I tried a couple of techniques. I wanted chocolate on them, but I also wanted them to be identifiable critters, so I only coated half.

Gimpy the Elephant marches on, with only his backside covered.

No idea what this one is, but I do know that it slipped and fell into a tar pit.

Then I ran out of peanut butter meltedness. I may or may not have cried.

But I comforted myself by coating the rest of the pretzels in chocolate and then sprinkling them with the leftover salt from the bottoms of the pretzel bags.

If this doesn't dry your tears, you may be broken.

I have no idea how long this whole process took. Alls I know is, by the time it was over I was a much happier person. For which I’m sure my very patient Husband was rather grateful.

I didn’t even mind waiting for the lot of it to cool and harden into solid edibleness. Ya know, after I sped things up by applying cold temperatures.

Triple-decker cooling rack doesn't want to fit in the fridge. But it WILL.

So ladies. If you find yourself hormonal, please just try covering things in chocolate. Late at night, when nobody’s around to bother your or stare at you while you embarass yourself by burning your tongue on hot melted chocolate.

Not that I know anything about doing that. Twice. Okay, three times.

I never said I was feeling reasonable.



One thought on “My Hormones Made Me Do It

  1. kelly says:

    That looks like a little bit of heaven and this post cracked me up!!! This is how I feel EVERY month… if only the hubs could understand my need for salty things mixed with chocolate then he’d just make this stuff for me about a week ahead of time and save himself some grief. 🙂

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